What to Do When You’ve Been Cheated On - Transcripts

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to a tough love episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm Mel Robbins, welcome. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on change and motivation. And today I'm really excited to tell you that we have picked two listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast to join me today because they have written in and asked advice about a topic that I unfortunately know a lot about and that topic is betrayal. And unfortunately, at some point, we all experience it. What do you do when you find out that someone you love has cheated on you or stolen from you or lied to you or stabbed you behind your back? Well, today you're gonna meet two people that this has happened to and you're gonna learn what to do and more importantly, how to get your power back because you can get your power back. You're gonna learn today that you always have options no matter how much this betrayal cuts you to the core. And I'm also gonna share stories of betrayal that have happened to me. And so I wanna start by thanking both of our listeners today for not only writing in but for agreeing to come on the show and for allowing me to invite you into their private coaching session because by sharing their challenges and you getting to hear the advice in real time, they're really doing the work for all of us to create a better life. And I wanna thank you because we have been blown away by the number of questions and the topics that you keep submitting at MelRobbins.com. And I also am loving the video questions that you're DMing me on Instagram.

Because she was dealing with a betrayal in her life too. Hi, Mel, I'm Sonya from New Zealand. Hi. How did you deal with the betrayals from your friends? Did you confront them and make peace with them in the end? Or can you move on without making peace in some way? And then as you just fill your life

with people who are much better humans? Excellent question. So in this particular instance, I did not confront the person, mainly because they had logins to a bunch of stuff related to our business. And I had to first, once I realized this was going on, get the digital business safe and secure. And so that took a couple of weeks. And I didn't wanna send up any red flags that any issue was going on while we did that. But then I made this decision. I thought, why would I confront this person? And what I realized in this particular instance is that I had already poured so much energy into the situation that confronting the person or trying to close the door and tell them what I had figured out, that that would cause so much negative energy in my life that I chose to not say anything and just move on. And here's what I have to say. I wouldn't necessarily do the same thing in a different situation. I mean, the person that stole all this money from me and damaged my business, they were in a different country.

Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. It's something that I've already, I've moved on from these people whenever I've shared anything with how any of their reactions made me feel or the impact it had on my life,

they just simply aren't interested. Yeah, well, there's all you need to know, right? And so here's the second piece of transformation that I want for you. You ready? Mm-hmm. There are patterns in life that repeat until you get the lesson. And for me, the biggest lesson about this betrayal by this person in business is that when I look back through my life and I think, hmm, what other relationships or friendships or colleagues, anything, what other relationships had the same feeling for me as this relationship, I can see a very similar pattern of the kind of person that I was drawn to or that was in my inner circle or that I was a really good friend with. And then all of a sudden I realized, oh my gosh, this person's mean and the gossip behind people's back. And now I'm scared because they're a friend of mine and like, I don't know how to get out of this. I could see a very distinct pattern. And so maybe the lesson for you goes even deeper, which is not only when something's working or feels off to say something, notice somebody's reaction. And that tells you whether or not this is a friendship to lean into or one to pull away from.

that turn out to not be good for you? I feel like I've learned the lesson because this is with my husband and everything that happened. And so I just, yeah, he keeps reaching out to try and have a friendship going forward,

but because of everything that happened, I'm not interested. Yes, you don't need to have a conversation with somebody in order to have closure. We often chase other people down and we say we want closure, but what we're actually looking for is confirmation or we're looking for some sort of assurance, we wanna feel better. You can do that for yourself if you're very clear about why this isn't working for you and what your boundaries are. And it sounds to me like you're very clear. You don't need to have a conversation. You've already had the conversation

and their behavior in it told you everything you need to know. Yeah, that's a feeling. Cause anytime I bring anything up about how anything's impacted me, it just brings up all of the old stuff again and it's just too hard. So I just have to let them all go

and just like let my life carry on. Yeah, and you also, is there a request you need to make of your husband? Like is my ex-husband. Oh, your ex-husband, excuse me. So he was friends with them.

So he's not part of this really. No, he is. It was like the stuff that happened that ended my marriage.

Oh. With my best friend.

Oh, so is he with your best friend? He is, yeah. He came out as bisexual. So he's with both of them. Wow.

Yeah. That's a lot, a lot. Yeah, it was a lot. And that's exactly why you don't need to have them in your life. Yeah.

And you don't owe anybody an explanation.

Yeah.

You deserve peace. Yeah, it's been really good. I've got so many beautiful new humans in my life and just, yeah, experiencing that kind of love and friendship from all my new friends and my new boyfriend. It's really beautiful.

Wonderful. That's great. I'm proud of you. You've helped a lot. Thank you. Well, I appreciate you being here,

but you keep the credit cause you did the work.

Thank you very much for all you do. You're welcome. I'll tell you what. There is no doubt. Life is always trying to teach you something. That is for sure. And I hope that one of the lessons that you learned, not only from my story, but also from the coaching with Sonya, is that you don't need to seek closure from somebody else. You can do that for yourself. And what I need to say to everybody listening is if you've been broken up with or if you've got a friendship where the behaviors turn toxic or you've got something going on, you don't need to have a conversation about it. Their behavior has told you what you need to know. If you're still questioning it, have the conversation in the way that I suggested where you apologize for withholding this. You tell somebody how their behavior or lack of behavior makes you feel and then watch their reaction.

and asking your question again? So my name is Jen and I am from Pennsylvania. I have a lot of difficulty giving myself credit as you suggested that we do, especially this past year, which has been just extraordinarily painful.

How can they overcome that? I love your question.

So why has this last year been extraordinarily painful? Not getting into too much detail in life. And it's just affected every of who I am. Like I question everything now, like everything I thought I was, everything I thought I could do. Like it's all just been ripped away

and I can't overcome it. You can overcome it, you won't at the moment. And let me give you advice about betrayal, okay? And this is really hard to get. And as somebody who has both been betrayed and who earlier in my life was somebody who was the betrayer, I can speak to both sides of this. And what I wanna say, and this is the hardest thing to grasp, it has nothing to do with you. What that person did in your life has nothing to do with you. It has to do with their pain. It has to do with their neuro chemistry. It has to do with their coping mechanisms, their trauma, their dysfunction, their pain. It doesn't make it any easier when you're on the receiving end of it. say and just repeat, it literally has nothing to do with me.

and the somebody I'm referring to is you.

Yeah, I like that. And one other thing, even though this has nothing to do with you, when you look across the 14 years, there are probably things that you can see where you let shit slide or you didn't say what you really meant.

I blame myself when I look back and kind of assess all of those things. Like I do find things that I have let slide.

So then I blame myself for letting it go. No, it's just a lesson. And sometimes lessons we learn easily and sometimes we use sledgehammers. And this is a sledgehammer. And so as you move forward in your life, whether you do so on your own, or you do so working through this with somebody, one of the things to do is not to blame yourself. It's to say, oh, I now know that I will never do this again. That when I feel a certain way, I won't be silent. When I have a hunch, I won't talk myself out of it. That when I'm being disrespected, I will address it. And that's what you're learning from this. It's one of the thousand things that you're about to learn for this. And one other thing I wanna tell you is, I promise you the road ahead, you got the best years of your life ahead of you.

You do, and I think you know that. I hope so. I want to know that. I want to think that. It's just, then I get into my head and that's kind of where I live. What's the thing that you say that tortures you the most? That I'm not good enough. That it happened because I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not all

of it. How's that feel? Do you want a different story? I do. Great. I want a different story for you too because there's a very different interpretation of this whole thing, you know, and I'm going to tell you what it is after the break. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and today we are coaching listeners who have experienced betrayal and unfortunately as you're learning, this is a topic that I have a lot of experience in and we were just talking with Jen and I was explaining the fact that one of the most important steps that you need to take is you've got to start telling yourself a different story about what happened. Great. And so here's one, Jen, that I want you to start telling yourself. It happened because he's an asshole who has a lot of trauma, who doesn't want to face it and who's been avoiding it. And we also know who will likely do the same thing to the next person if he doesn't face it now because people who avoid the hard things, the pain they're feeling or the trauma that they experienced when they were little, when people use avoidance as a coping mechanism, guess what they continue to do?

I do want to be clear that he is trying to own his crap. It's just me living in my head. And like I know that part of me knows that it's not my fault, that it's not, that I'm not good enough and all of the things that you said, it's just like I'm a highly sensitive person, I'm an empath, I'm 88. Like all of those things

and I just, me trying to overcome those things for me. Then let me give you a different interpretation and a different story because you two are trying to work together through this. Yeah. Great, and let me tell you why I think that's great. I don't know a single couple that has gone through something horrible, and, look, Chris and I have gone through horrible stuff. I don't know a single couple who spends time in therapy and works through it, who doesn't come out on the other side and say, I wish I hadn't worked on it. Right. But I do know a number of people that have gotten divorced that wish they had tried to work through it. And so working through it matters, not so you can stay together, but it matters because if you don't stay together, you will be better co-parents and friends, and that's important. But the likelihood is if you're both willing to come to the table, and he in particular is willing to do the work, then the odds are in your favor, and you will come through this stronger. So the story I want you to tell yourself is this. What if he did this because it was the only way he could stay in the marriage because he was feeling so lost and so depressed and so whatever, that he was the one who didn't feel good enough, that it's not about you or the other person being thin or whatever else, that he was at a point in his life that he lost who he was, and he might as well have been having sex with a frickin' dinner plate for crying out loud because it's not about the other person.

It's about him not measuring up for you.

Yeah, I like that story a lot better. And you know what else I like a lot better? That it was sex or an emotional connection

and not heroin. And I'd kind of prefer the heroin.

Right now you would. Yeah. Because we wanna make this stuff about us. Of course it hurts you. Of course, it's devastating. And one of the biggest things you will learn from this if you allow yourself to, is you'll learn that forgiveness only happens when you stop wishing things were different and that you can love somebody profoundly and at the same time do shit that hurts them profoundly. And that through the act of understanding what happened and really allowing yourself to be in a space where you can hear how broken, hurt, lost, whatever, regretful, whatever the feelings are, you will truly connect with this person at a level you never have. Yeah. And this is not easy. It will be worth it, regardless of what happens. And the more you tell yourself, this is nothing to do with me. This is about him being broken.

of the people out there. Yeah, I keep hearing that. That's what I'm holding on to.

Yeah, you're on the bridge. I love using this metaphor that all changes a bridge. And this happens to be one that's about as long as the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. And it's a suspension bridge, which means when the winds pick up, it blows. And it will get better. And it will get in the rear view mirror. And by going to therapy together, whether you stay together or it ends up not being what you want, you will have such a better understanding of yourself and an understanding of what happened that you won't carry the resentment and the self-blame because it's not about you. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, in the best of all scenarios, what you're gonna learn is that when somebody feels inadequate or that they've failed you, it has more to do with how much they love you,

as screwed up as that sounds.

That's hard for me to follow. Ask your therapist. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I will. I don't know the details of what happened, but I just am trying to tell you that if he didn't love you, he would have left. When you look at what the experts say about affairs, psychotherapist Esther Perel, she's a New York Times bestselling author, she's the expert on why people cheat, even people who are still in love with their spouses. And what Esther says over and over again is that affairs are often people searching for parts of themselves that they feel that they've lost. That's what they are. And they're not fair, and they're not right. And you don't deserve this. And he's very fucking lucky that you didn't just end it because you both have a chance to grow from this now if you're willing to work on it. And you said that he is trying to own his crap.

and that to gather into it,

it doesn't fucking feel like one you want, you're on the bridge. Just keep crossing the bridge and trust that when you get to the other side it's gonna be way better than you can imagine. I hope so. Thank you. You're welcome. You're gonna be okay. Just let yourself feel this shit, dude. Like that's what you gotta do. And the thing that I also want to tell you is like when you get pissed, like write it all out. Like you're probably past the lashing out part and screaming, but maybe not, I don't know. But yeah, like it just allow yourself to be a little human. And now that you're kind of through that part, keep steering yourself toward, okay, how do I understand what happened?

further across the bridge. I am very surprised. I had no idea how strong I really am. And you hear that all the time, you know, you don't know how strong you are until it's time to be strong. So honestly, if there is anybody, just honestly, if they're believing in yourself, just you're stronger than you think.

You absolutely are. Yeah. Is there anything else that surprised you

as you've navigated this? Honestly, my ability to kind of try to be compassionate, like I've always been, you know, of the mindset, you know, I won't say in a relationship where there was infidelity, it's just, it's not how I'm gonna work. And then you're in the situation and it's completely different than anything you thought it would be. But just to be able to overcome, I mean, like I know I already said this, but like just the being, I'm so much stronger than I thought. And that's how I get through my days. And like, I just, I grace, grit, gratitude. I say that to myself all day long, just learning to show myself grace, finding things to repeat, do the hard work,

all of the things, grace, grit, and gratitude. You're crossing the bridge in the fog in a rainstorm. Yep. And here's what I also want you to be proud of. You are compassionate because you have a very deep capacity to love. And part of loving is also being able to accept and understand someone else. Now, that doesn't mean condone. Right, that doesn't mean you're responsible for it. That doesn't mean that you're making excuses for it. But attempting to understand somebody else's pain. And bringing compassion to something that somebody is dealing with, even though their dysfunction profoundly broke your heart, that's an act of love. That's why you're gonna be okay.

I love you.

I love you, thank you. You're welcome. Can we just take a minute and collectively send some positive energy and some gratitude at Sonya and Jen? I am just, I'm proud of them. And I appreciate what it took to come and talk to me about this deeply personal thing. I mean, this is not easy stuff. This is what people are dealing with and not talking about. And so I so appreciate Sonya and Jen for sharing everything that they shared and being open to going even deeper than they thought they probably would. And if you had a light bulb moment, I hope that you will take whatever insight that you gained and you will find the courage and the confidence to apply the advice that rang true for you. And there may be somebody in your life who's going through something very painful right now. And it's been very hard for you to figure out what to say to them. Don't worry, that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in.