Before You Waste Another Year of Your Life, Do THIS w/ Mel Robbins EP 1405 - Transcripts
be great without having peace and without going on a healing journey in my mind. You can accomplish a lot. You can achieve a lot. You can get a lot of awards and make a lot of money, but I feel like if you feel like you don't are still on enough, then you're
not too much. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.
What do you want to get out of this? Because you have whoever's listening, I want them to be, to be inspired and impacted in a positive way to take action and whatever it is in their life that they need support with. And so that's my intention. Support the people. They, the people listen, they love you more. That's what I want out of this. So they say that
again. The people that listen to this, they love you more. Say that again. Me. Yes. That's
your intention. Yes. Because then they'll, then that means you did a great job of getting a lot out of this interview for them. So they're going to love you more and want to share about
you more. That's my intention. Lewis, that was a mic drop moment and I haven't even asked you. So, so first of all, I got to give everybody a takeaway because did you hear that? Like we're talking about your, we're talking about everything, your life story, like so much wisdom that you have to give to the world. And I want to make sure everybody just picked up on something that he walked in here, not to shine a light on his book and how it would help you, but to
actually shine the light back on me and to have me be successful. That's kind of what I've been doing for 10 years. You know, with my show is just putting a spotlight on others. And I've found that when I'm shining in another people, it reflects back in positive ways. Sometimes it's unexpected, but just for your show specifically, I think it's amazing how you've launched the show and it's served so many people. So that's why when you asked me what I want out of this, I was like, well, if you do a great job and making great content in this episode, then people are going to love you more and they're
going to want to share more and help you build your show bigger. So that's my intention. Awesome. Okay. Well, my intention, my intention, cause I always have like a very specific intention with every show was to shine the brightest light I possibly could on you because you have spent so much of your success and time and energy lifting other people up. And you remind me in many ways of somebody I love more than anybody else in the world. And that's my husband, Chris. And one of the things that I love about you is you're this big masculine, super successful professional athlete, dude. You are also becoming a professional like tango dancer salsa salsa. Okay. Tango salsa. Yeah.
I knew it was like ended in a, in a
vowel, Latin dancing, Latin dancing. His hips don't lie people. And, um, salsa salsa. Okay.
Tango salsa. I knew it was like ended in a vowel, Latin dancing, Latin dancing. Yet there's this incredible quiet softness, strength and vulnerability to you. And you often say a lot without saying much. Thanks. Appreciate it. You see that guys? He's just staring
at me right now with his piercing eyes. Like I am saying a lot of email, select email. I think it's interesting that you say that because, uh, I didn't feel like I had a lot to say when I was growing up because I felt very insecure in school. So I was always in the bottom of my grade all the way through middle school, high school. And if it took me seven years to finish college and graduate, and I always had a tutor every semester and in middle school, high school, I would be in the special needs classes. And a lot of times during recess I would have to do extra tutoring. So when other kids were playing or having fun or I'd have to do a short lunch break and then go right into reading class, because in eighth grade I had a second grade reading level. So I just- Wait hold on. In eighth grade? Eighth grade they started testing me with everything. I went to a new school. And they essentially told my parents like, we have to either hold him back or we need to get him tutors to get him caught up because he has a second grade reading level.
So it was just very challenging for me to read a page of any book and comprehend it. It was just, it would take a long time to read it. And then by the time I'd finished it, it was almost like it was so long that I don't remember what I was reading that I'd have to go back and read the page over and over again. So I would get through a couple of pages in what would seem like 30 to 45 minutes and kind of give up. My attention span would be short then, I would just be tired and like, I don't have the focus. That's why I started using my energy in sports.
And when I- Wait, hold on.
In eighth grade? When I asked to speak aloud in class, specifically in high school, I just felt insecure because I knew I wasn't the smartest. I knew I was always in the bottom of my class because they used to rank us on our grade cards. So I would always be in the bottom four. And a lot of times I cheated my way through quizzes and tests and homework to just pass to stay like not in the bottom one, right. Yeah. And so we would get the grade cards out of there every semester or whenever it was every quarter. And I'd always see in the bottom four all through high school. So I just felt very unsure of myself academically. And so when they would have to speak aloud, I just would always try to skip or like go to the restroom and I know that it was gonna come to me. I try to get out of actually speaking in front of people because I always thought people were making fun of me or laughing at me. And maybe they were sometimes or they weren't, but that was also my interpretation of not believing in myself academically.
And so when I got into kind of like the business world and life of just being out there after sports, I didn't have the confidence to speak in front of people and what I thought. And so I just said, I'm gonna ask people questions. So that was in my 20s. I would be in rooms of like networking events and I started going to trade shows and conferences from like 25 to 30. And I was traveling around the country, going to all these big kind of industry events to learn and network and meet people. And so often people would say, you're like the most interesting guy here and I never said anything except for asked questions and would follow up. And I think when you really are interested in other people, you become more interesting. And so I've, I kind of took that and ran with it for the last 10 years of my own show. I was just like, I'm gonna try to be as interested in others
and good things come back. Well, they certainly have. I mean, when you talk about a hundred million views every month on your YouTube channel, which is impacting and empowering people around the world or the 11 million plus people that follow you online, the 500 million downloads, I'd say that's not bad for the bottom four of your middle school. And it's one of the reasons why I love your story because it's not like you were this heavy hitter in business, sold your company, and now you're gonna go out and tell everybody the secrets. You had to figure out what greatness meant for you and you had to figure out how to be successful in a world that was telling you that you weren't. And I wanna go back to really where your newest, I'm sure New York Times bestseller starts, the greatness mindset. And it starts on the couch. And in order to bring as many people as possible into the tent in this conversation that we're gonna have, would you just put us at the scene of Louis on the couch, what your life looked like, how old you were,
what was going on?
Yeah, you were in middle school.
And this was September 2007. I just had surgery on my wrist. So you can kind of see the scar here still. And they took a bone out of my hip, put it into my wrist. So I was in a cast from my shoulder to my fingers. I couldn't use my thumb.
It was kind of locked in this position for a stick. Locked in like a cactus position? Like this, yeah, yeah.
In the cactus? Like this, yeah, yeah. You know the movie rookie of the year, this like baseball kid player who has a broken arm and then gets the cast off and it's like super strength. It was kind of in this position in like an L shape like this. I can move it down. - So now can I ask you a question?
Yeah. So can I ask you a question? Yeah. So when you have your hand locked in a cast in a cactus arm position, do your fingers? Are they numb all day your fingers?
Like what happens? I can move it down. I can move it here and like here, but I couldn't straighten my arm. Okay. And so there was this kind of big, bulky thing here. And it also just smells really bad. You know I don't know if you've ever the cast up. It's just smells really bad and it just gets dirty under there and you're sweaty and it's just not nice. Yeah.
So, um, okay.
You know, it's just smells really during that time. It's that's the end of August. So September or November, December, I'm on my sister's couch right before Christmas 2007 going into 2008 and I'm, I'm in denial at this time because I'm thinking my body's going to heal. I'm going to go back and play football. Like this thing's going to come off. So you've, so you've graduated from college. I hadn't graduated yet. I left to go play arena football. I tried to make the NFL didn't make it. So I played an arena football, uh, for a season to try to get more practice than go to the NFL and my rookie season, I get injured. I dive for a football into the wall. It's indoor football.
So imagine a hockey rink football. That's what it was. So I dove, I, I snapped my wrist like in the wall. That was the second game of the season. So 14 more games I played with a broken wrist. I taped it up every game because I was like, I don't want to stop and get surgery. Now I want to play a whole nother year to get game film to try to make my dreams come true. The NFL. Okay. So I just played through the pain. And at the end, the surgeon was like, you probably should have done this before because every catch, every block, it was just like grinding the bone and disintegrating the bone in my wrist. There's a bunch of little bones in the wrist.
One of them was just kind of like disintegrating. And so that's why he said we have to take a bone out of your hip. And I didn't know it would be almost more painful from the hip because there's no easy way to like sliver a little piece of bone out of body. They take like a sledgehammer and they just go away on your hip. So my whole body was black and blue from my arm put down to my knees on the side, 20 staples. I couldn't walk, just kind of bent over for six weeks. That heard more than the wrist surgery. So that was a period of just healing and recovery physically. Okay. So before the Christmas time happened in 2008, now I got my field. How old were you? I was 20, probably 23 at that time.
Okay. I think going into 24 in that March coming up. And so this time I'm in the denial phase. I'm like, I'm going to heal. I'm going to be fine. My ego is so big that I'm like, I feel like I'm a superhuman. So I'm like, nothing can hurt me mentality. Like whatever. I can take the pain.
Let's tape it up and put me back out there. And say, wait, is that not the greatness mindset? Nothing can hurt me. I can take the pain. Okay. It's not it. Now you've got me, I'm hooked.
I want to know what this is. No, nothing can hurt me. I can take the pain. It's not it. Now you've got me I'm hooked. I want to know what this is. That's the ego mindset, which gets She leaves you feeling very alone inside in a lot of ways. So I get, that, so I'm in denial. And then every six weeks I do a checkup with a doctor thinking they're going to take this off. I'm going to be fine. saying another six weeks, another six weeks, another six weeks. Well supposed to be three months turns into six months for the cast on.
So I'm not able to straighten my arm for six months. Wow. So by the time I actually get it off, I can't straighten my arm. Uh, the, the, the tendons, the muscle like it won't straighten all the way without a lot of pain in my elbow. So it takes about a year and a half. Just to like rehab my arm to be able to straighten this, let alone learn how to like use my wrist and function fully. So I went through it a phase of sadness, denial, depression, I don't know about depression, but it was just like extreme sadness. Okay, this identity that I had, I may not be able to do again. And it was kind of dwindling every day I would try to strengthen my arm and realize I don't have the strength anymore.
So when I originally thought like I am-
Okay, gotta be a professional athlete. Yeah, I'm like, nothing can hurt me. I realized quickly, oh, things can hurt me and they can take away from my dreams in certain areas. So it was a period of, and right before this, my dad gets in an accident where he has a traumatic brain injury from a car accident. A car comes on top of his car on the road, goes through the windshield and the bumper hits him in his head and splits his head open. They have to airlift him out of the car. They have to cut the car open, airlift him, he's in a coma for three months. This happens a year before I get injured. So for me, my dad had woken up after months in a coma in a hospital. He was physically alive, but emotionally dead. So he wasn't able to really communicate.
He just passed last year after 17 years, but it was-
You mean 17 years after the accident? 17 years after the accident, he just passed last year. But he had, it was like he, it's like he was gone. It's like you- How did that affect him? He was physically there, but he wasn't my dad anymore. He was my dad, but I couldn't have a conversation with him because he was, I mean, you could speak to him, but I'd see him and he'd say, what's your name again? What sport did you used to play? Where'd you go to school again? That was the conversation every time I'd visit my dad. And he was at every football game. He was my biggest fan and he loved to see me succeed. So it was, in some ways, if that didn't happen, if he didn't go through that near-death experience, I would not be where I'm at because I always had a backup plan with him.
He had an insurance business that he was thriving in after 30 years. He struggled to get to a certain level and finally started to make money. Then he had this accident. And he was always like, you can go chase your dream and if you ever want to come work with me, you can come work with me. And you can take over the business one day if you want to and I'll train you up. So it was kind of always like a backup plan. He had to sell his business right after this accident within the year because he wasn't able to work anymore. He wasn't able to really function in that way anymore. And in a sense, that was the greatest thing that happened to me. Like essentially losing my dad emotionally, losing the backup plan, because I never thought I would ever make money on my own or be an entrepreneur or do anything that I'm doing. But that was a catalyst along with my accident, my injury, into saying, okay, I want to make something of myself and try this. So I'm on my sister's couch for a year and a half in this phase of sadness about my dad, sadness about my identity, my injury.
It's also, 2008 was like a, it kind of felt like 2020 with the economic crisis. And so I don't have a college degree yet. I'm trying to figure out how to get my degree and finish it while I get a job, but no one's hiring people without degrees at that time. So it was just kind of like, what am I doing in this world? Why are these things happening?
One of those phases, crisis. Yeah, and I think I just want to say that there's a lot of times in life where things happen and you can feel like that, whether your marriage didn't work out and you never expected to be divorced, or you go all in on a business and it goes bankrupt, or you end up struggling with an addiction after surgery and painkillers. And so I think this moment is really important for us to unpack. And so I want to have you read a part of your book. So that highlighted section, I'd love for you to read because it takes us right back to the moment of what you were feeling when you were on that couch. And I want you to read it because it's so easy, Lewis, for everybody to see how unbelievably successful you are and not realize that you started in the exact same place
that so many people listening are in right now. Listening are in right now. I feel like all I could do during those dark days was flip through TV reruns and infomercials with the remote as I felt my chance at greatness not just slipping away, but sprinting as fast as it could go. I didn't know what to think, how to feel, or how to process my own emotions. And on top of that, I hadn't even finished college at the time. I was financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken. I wondered what to do next. And from my perspective, I was now very much alone, but I knew this couldn't be how the story of my life went. I knew there had to be more to my story. There had to be greatness inside of me, but I didn't know where or how to get started.
Yet deep down, I knew I would eventually figure it all out. So obviously your book is a roadmap to that, but can you just talk to somebody who's like, yeah, like how do you tap into that knowing that you are meant for greatness, especially when the hit the fan and your life feels like a disaster? Like what would you say to somebody that's listening right now that just feels
as lost as Louis circa 2008 was? I'm very grateful that I had a voice inside of me that was keeping me going. And a lot of times when I was in elementary school, I used to say, I wish I was dead a lot. I would get in trouble, get sent to the principal's office and I'd say, I wish I was dead. I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead. And I don't know if any of you relate to that feeling, I didn't never felt suicidal. Like I actually was going to do it. But I remember saying, essentially why am I here? Am I enough? Am I lovable? Well, I ever matter. That was like a thing that was just a constant theme inside of me.
But there was a voice that it was also like, just keep going, it was like, you got this, just keep going. So I'm really grateful that I was able to hear that voice even though I was so distracted and the loudness of insecurity was crippling my mind. It was so loud and so overwhelming that it felt like I was drowning emotionally. And so if someone feels that way now, what I would say is two things. Number one, like hold on to whatever voice that says, even if it's like a second a day that's like, keep going, like hold on to that voice. Cause that is the thing that has allowed me to overcome so much. And I wish I would have learned sooner what I talk about in the book, which is allowing myself to heal all the memories and pain from the past. And it really wasn't until I started that process 10 years ago of healing past memories, where things started to unlock, where I started to feel free internally, and then externally, the things that I was accumulating or creating or developing was more meaningful. Because before 30, I was successful. I was accomplishing, accumulating, attracting, but it didn't feel enough because I didn't feel enough. I didn't feel like I was worthy of receiving. I didn't feel like I was deserving of love because I didn't accept me.
And it really wasn't until the last two years when I went even deeper into healing that I was like, I'm going to go back into every painful memory of my past and create a new meaning from those memories. I'm going to create a loving relationship with any shame or guilt or insecurity that I once had and just have a new relationship with it. It doesn't mean it wasn't painful. It doesn't mean I wish things didn't happen. It doesn't mean I didn't do things I'm ashamed of. But creating a new relationship with it so it doesn't hurt me today and those two things of listening to the kind of the voice inside of me telling me to keep going and being on a journey of healing has given me such a sense of emotional freedom and peace that I'd never felt in my life and it allows me to not abandon myself anymore and I think for many years I would abandon myself to fit in, to belong, to be accepted and the more I would do that I would feel shameful because I was doing things that I knew weren't in alignment with who I was or my highest self was and so once I started to heal I could stop abandoning myself create barriers or boundaries in my emotions or in my life so that I could stay in peace and be okay with disturbing things around me by standing my ground in certain situations and that has been the biggest gift I've given myself because it has allowed me someone was asking me on the phone when I was driving here it was like how did this book come about I go I had the idea for it for years but I didn't have inner peace I couldn't I couldn't I didn't have the energy to create it and once I got clear on my inner peace like this just came out and I'm already like just creating so much because I have clarity and it wasn't until I was able to get full clarity and ownership of accepting who I am, where I was able to start doing these things authentically, so it's been
a journey. So there is so much to unpack in what you just said and I'm so happy you went deep in the beginning because it's been a journey from being the 23 year old lost former professional football person to really realizing that chasing success got you so far but you had to fix what felt broken on the inside.
Yeah and you know as a growing up I wanted success. The thought of success was like the answer right and that was maybe I don't know why that came about but it was always about how to be successful and I achieved success on my terms but I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel like it was enough so then I would have to achieve more and more and more to fill something up where I didn't feel enough and I think there's a difference between success and greatness where success is more selfish about me and greatness is about we. It's going after your goals and dreams but making it about impacting others in the process and them being celebrated and them accomplishing as well or improving as well. And it's much more rewarding that way. So I feel like I want to create more, but I'm also happy with where I'm at. And there's a sense of peace. It's like, yes, I'm always going to be striving for more. At least in the season of life, maybe when I'm 90, I'm just like, okay, I don't want more, I want less. And that'll be a different season. But for now I want more. And I'm also just peaceful with where I am because I accept who I am.
And I didn't know that that was the game, accepting yourself. It's accepting, but also saying you can still get to improve. You still get to grow. You still get to transform, but also accepting and loving where you're at.
Okay. So let me unpack this a little bit because I think there's so much wisdom that you just drop like, and I also want to say something. If you're sitting here going, but, but, but, but, but, but, but hold on a second. I don't even know how he went from 23 year old broke, like on the sister's couch, loss for a year and a half, dad having this to now all of a sudden, this crazy, successful business and podcast and millions of like, how did he do that? And wait a minute, Lewis house. Are you telling me this inner peace? Like I need to pay my bills. Like don't be talking to me about that. And so I want to say a couple of things. Yes, we will get to the story of how he went from the couch to building what he built, but there's something much bigger in terms of the masterclass that is being offered to you in this moment, where Lewis is going to save you the almost 13 years, was it? How long was it? 20, two decades or whatever of pain that he put himself through to get to the wisdom and the greatness that he has unlocked in himself, because I've known Lewis for five years, he is a different human being, a different human being than even just a year ago, and I think that it is possible and Lewis will tell you this to be a competitive and to compete at the highest levels, which he does.
Yeah, I still like to win, but it's a win-win, you know, it's a different type
of win and to be a calm, cool and confident person, because you have peace with yourself as you are doing those things.
And even just to comment on what you said about paying bills, I don't think you can have financial peace unless you have inner peace, because there's so many people that you know that have lots of money who are overly stressed, and more money doesn't always solve every problem, it's solved lots of problems, but it doesn't always solve the problem of accepting and loving yourself.
That's true, and I'm going to add something to that, because both Lewis and I have been in moments of our life, and ironically, it was during 2007 and 2008, where neither one of us were able to buy groceries, we did not have any savings, we did not have any income, we were relying on other people to help us get through, and the stress that you feel when you cannot pay for your basic needs is a toxic level of stress that can consume you, but what I also want you to consider is the added stress and shame and mental beat down that you add on top of that reality doesn't help you pay your bills either, and so whether you are at a point where you've been wildly successful, but you're deeply unhappy, or you're at a point where you're having trouble paying your bills, cultivating a sense of peace inside yourself, an assuredness that you can rely on yourself, a steadiness so that the world around you does not trip you up emotionally, that that is a superpower, that's part of this greatness mindset that you're talking about, and Lewis has been on this profound healing journey, and so I want to go there. The game is healing. The game is healing.
The game is healing in order to create anything in my mind.
What does healing even mean, Lewis?
I used to feel a lot of pain in my chest, or tightness in my throat, or disturbance in my stomach, I used to feel like I couldn't sleep at night because I was up for an hour and a half, like ruminating or thinking, and stressed.
I used to be very reactive when my nervous system was triggered.
I feel like that's the opposite of healing. You know, healing is learning how to overcome all those things, so your nervous system is in peace when there's chaos around you. It doesn't mean I'm not going to feel triggered momentarily, or feel like, oh, I don't like that, or react to a thing, or feel disturbed, but it's learning how to recognize it much faster, and from a place of integrating healing and lessons, be able to respond differently when there's a disturbance, as opposed to based on a wound. So most of my life, I was just reacting, responding, based on wounds that I was
Or maybe I was aware of them, but I was just like, this is who I am. Don't mess with me. Oh, how many of us have heard that? Yeah, this is, don't try to change me. Don't mess with me. Like, this is who I am. I'm fine. Right. You know, there's nothing wrong with me. Like, this is like reaction. And, um,
Oh, how many of us have heard that? Can you give people a sense that don't know you wrote about this extensively in your New York Times bestseller, The Mask of Masculinity? And you talk about this on your podcast, but can you give people a sense of some of the things that needed healing? So I'm going to just point out one of them. Um, so being in a classroom where you cannot do cognitively because of a learning difference, you and I both have dyslexia. Yours seems to be probably more profound than mine.
Um, even reading my own words, I trip up sometimes because I still have to practice like reading slowly and with a cadence. So what was that like for me to pass the book to you? I was even going to say it. I was like, you know, this is like, I get to practice my insecurities all the time. I have to read it on a teleprompter all the time. And I'm always like, just take a deep breath and know that I just know that I'm not going to be the best reader in the world and that's okay. And so I just say, you know, I accept myself when I stutter, I accept myself when I stumble, I accept myself when I have to redo a sentence over and over again, because I wasn't able to see what's coming next and it just didn't sound right. It probably takes me twice as long to read my audiobook as you do. Right. and I but I used to hate myself for that and beat myself up, and now I accept and love myself, and when I do that, I notice I read a lot better, and I flow a lot better, and it's not perfect or anything, but I'm like, it's just I save a lot more time. I'm more relaxed and as opposed to, I used to beat myself up, and be the biggest critic, now I'm just a positive self-coach in those moments. It's like, oh, you've got this.
Can we impact that for a minute? Because I think it's a really relatable example. So every one of us has something that we're self-conscious about or that we beat ourselves up about whether it's our weight or like you know something about our skin or our hair or our height or you know for you you mentioned stuttering and stumbling and reading out loud or being slower at something and you so beautifully talked about how you used to just beat the hell out of yourself. You hated that about yourself. How do you or how did you Lewis learn
to accept something you hated? How do you do that? There's many different modalities of what worked for you healing and I feel like over the last 10 years I was telling your husband Chris about this I was like because he was asking me about these different things. Right. I was like I feel like I've tried lots of different stuff because I got a lot of work to do so I'm willing to I'm willing to dive in and like take a look in the mirror and say tell me what to do and I'll try it, heal it. And I did workshops, emotional intelligence, leadership training workshops 10 years ago that helped me unlock and open up about sexual trauma. That was kind of state one. It was one of my biggest shames that I didn't want to talk about. I didn't want anyone to know about because if anyone knew that I've been sexual abused, I thought no one would ever love me. So it was a huge, that was protection that I was a shield that I was putting up on myself to show people that I was strong, to show people that I was confident, to show people that I was, that no one could mess with me in sports or whatever it might be. And that supported me in accomplishing certain results, but hurt me and feeling loved and harmony and alignment within myself. And so it was exhausting.
It's draining. It's an emotional train wreck because you're kind of living a double life. Inside, you know the truth. Outside, others don't know the truth about you. So you're hiding something.
And I want to point something out about this because we've been doing a whole series on trauma and nervous system repair. And you talked earlier about how your lived experience, even though you're super successful on the outside is like not in the stomach, tightness in the chest, something in the throat. You don't even have to be conscious about the fact that you're hiding this thing. It's not like you're walking around thinking about the fact that you were a victim of sexual abuse, it's that it's stored in your body, so your body operates in a state all the time
as if something bad's about to happen. I wasn't even aware that I wasn't telling people, I was just trying to block it and cover it up constantly. But it was always in my mind. Maybe every few days, the memory would come up in some way. It was just like a movie that was repeating on repeat. And when I did this first workshop, a lot of things started to happen in my life where I was having breakdowns, intimate relationship, business partnership, just life. I just felt like, man, stuff is breaking down all around me. Although I'm successful, why are all these things breaking down? I'm the common denominator. A friend of mine was like, I actually got in a fight on a basketball court. This was kind of the tipping point where I was the perfect storm. And a friend of mine who was there was like, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore if you're gonna keep reacting in this way.
Because I was the same fun-loving guy. But when I would get triggered, I was like,
this reaction would come out of me. Like you get super physical, like a linebacker kind of thing?
I would just try to defend myself energetically. But if someone was physically trying to attack me, which in a basketball game is kind of a, you know. Isn't that part of the game? Yes, but I would take it so personally. So when there was a cheap elbow, they'd be like, turn around and be like, let's go, let's fight. So I didn't have the filter, because I felt like someone was always trying to abuse me or take advantage of them. Because they had. Exactly. And so this was kinda the last thing that happened. I got in this fight, and my friend was like, Hey, I don't wanna hang out with you. I don't wanna play basketball anymore with you if you're gonna react like this. And it was a tendency that was happening for many months more and more until this like fist fight came out.
Fist fight. Because they had.
Fist fight, on a basketball court? On a pickup basketball court. There was no stakes on the line. It was just like a friendly game in the mean streets of Beverly Hills. And, um, how old are you? I was 10 years ago. Yeah. So how old are you now? 39. 38.
So when you're 20, so how old are you now? 30. So when you're 29 years old.
And I remember there was a police station right across the street. It was in West Hollywood. It was 10 minutes away from here. And, um, and I remember going home after this. Well, I remember seeing the guy's face when I was done and being really scared
of what I had done, his face.
Like his face didn't look. I'll just say that. And he, and I was, I had this rule that I'll never hit someone unless they hit me first, that was kind of like my thing, but all, I just, I'll freakin get in someone's face. I'll talk trash, whatever. But I was like, I'll never hit someone, unless they hit me first. He ended up head, butters. Me, cause we were like kind of in each other's faces and he head butts me. And then I kind of just go blank. Yeah, and I turn into like the incredible Hulk in that moment. Like this guy hit me. There's no rules. And, um, and afterwards I had so much adrenaline, uh, cause I don't think I'd gotten in an actual fight since I was like 13, right?
So I played football to get my aggression out, but then no, I no longer was able to hit people legally, right? And so this was a point where this happened. And I remember going home and looking at myself in the mirror and being like, who are you? I did not recognize myself. And I really, it was really kind of like shaking cause I was like, what am I doing? Like who am I? What are you? Why are you reacting? I started to like ask myself this question and I remember thinking like I have too much to lose now to allow my anger, my fears, my wounds to be in control because I had built a business and I was like, what is someone, I don't know, what if someone had a knife or a gun or whatever, like, or I injured myself in a worse way or I hurt someone else. Like what if something really bad happened? He was ended up fine. We were fine.
But I remember thinking, okay, this could really get out of control and this was nothing. This was like a little incident and I was so reactive. So that's what got me down the path of saying, let me take a look in the mirror. I asked some friends for some, some suggestions on what I could do. I went to some workshops. The first workshop I went to got me to a vulnerable enough state to talk about sexual abuse for the first time. Out loud. Out loud. I spoke the words, the most terrifying moment of my life, to be honest, because I never thought that this had happened to any other man. So you have to imagine if you think that what has happened to you has never happened to anyone else, then you think you are wrong, broken and the worst human being alive. Now that's just, it was my interpretation, right? And I got to a place during this workshop where it was a five day experience and a lot of people were going through about, it's a leadership workshop, but we have to go into our past and mend things to clear on what we want for the future and then move towards the future, right?
So it's kind of like a process, a journey of your personal life to help you have more tools of leadership. Yeah. And at one point during this workshop, people were open up about different stuff. It was a vulnerable state at this time, but it was like after the third day, the trainer goes, okay, we've gone into these different past experiences, parents, and this and that and breakups were not talking about the past anymore. We're moving on. We're going into what you want to create for the future. Like we're done. We're moving forward. But if there's anything you haven't shared, now is the time. Like if there anything you haven't shared from the past, now is the time or we're moving on and you're going to miss your moment. For whatever reason that voice came back out and was like, okay. And during this time, I started to address all these different things from my childhood.
My parents, you know, they probably should have never been married in the first place, but they went through a divorce eventually and just kind of the fear of their arguments and fights as a young child. That was stressful. My brother went to prison when I was eight for four and a half years. So I didn't have friends for four and a half years because in a small town, you know, the moms would have let their kids hang out with me. So there was just a lonely time and it was traumatic to go to a prison every weekend and watch your brother in a room full of convicts and their families. It was a traumatic experience for the whole family, you know, being picked on in school and special needs classes and all these different things, breakups, heartbreak. I was like, okay, I've already addressed this stuff. I feel fine here. But what about this thing that I've been thinking about almost every day for 25 years? And whatever inside of me just said, you have to stand up. And I remember just like standing up and getting out of my seat and walking to the front of the room. And there's probably, I don't know, 30, 40 people in the room were kind of like in a semi circle and I stand up.
And this was interesting because I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I stood up. I like looked down at the carpet, went in front of the room and just said when I was five, I was sexually abused by the babysitter's son. And I went through the entire story of the entire event. It was almost like I was in the bathroom again, reliving it. And I shared this, but I could not look up because I was so ashamed of what I was saying, and I was just thinking to myself, man, everyone's laughing every everyone's like, you know, thinking I'm a loser. Everyone thinking I'm unlovable. All these things came up for me and I was like, my life is over, essentially what I was thinking. And I remember sharing this staring down like walk through the whole thing. And somehow, I was like semi calm. I was like standing there just maybe because I wasn't looking in anyone's eyes, but I was pretty calm and able to just get through it. I wasn't crying or anything.
just getting through it. And then I went and sat down and there was two women sitting on either side of me. When I sat down and I remember just looking at one of them and she's like weeping and the other one is like holding me. They're crying now. It's like 25 years of pain just kind of erupts and I start crying and they're holding me, they're they're all kind of like jumping and shaking like, you know, they're crying uncontrollably and I'm just like, I have to leave. So I run out of the room. He was in kind of a conference room of hotel run out of the hotel to get some fresh air and I'm in the back alley behind this hotel by LAX and there's a wall I kind of just put my hand against the wall and I'm just like sobbing and a few minutes later I feel a touch on the back of my shoulder and it's this guy who's bigger than me he's probably in his late 50s and he turns me around he's crying he looks me in my eyes he says you're my hero you're my hero I will follow you anywhere I vividly remember this he goes I have three kids I've been married for 20 something years my wife doesn't know my kids don't know this happened to me when I was 11 this happened to me multiple times and I've lived with shame and doubt and insecurities my whole life thank you for being the first person to open up in front of me you're gonna give me the courage now to go and tell my wife all these men from the room started coming out there was only a two or three guys who had been sexually abused that tell me that for the first time by the way they hadn't opened up either to anyone in their lives and then other guys were just like I've never heard anything like this this happened to me I feel really insecure about this in my life or this thing I'm ashamed of right and it was so powerful because I was thinking all these everyone's gonna make fun of me but in fact it made them trust me and respect me more and love me more the thing that was the scariest thing for me was actually the thing that that brought me closer to people and people could actually see me for the first time fully at least in that regard and it was that was the start of ten years of lots of different healing modalities which I'm happy to talk about some of them but it was that was the start of processing the healing the next step is integrating the healing, which is where all the work is.
Yeah, that's true. Well, we will get you back to go in and talk about all the modalities, but I want to just say that this is yet another one of those areas where you and I have a parallel path because I had a very similar thing happen to me when I was in the fourth grade and I buried it. And I knew in the back of my mind, somewhere in the back of my mind, it's something had happened and it wasn't until I was at a leadership seminar, that was in the personal, no, well, what happened is somebody else shared and they shared about how it had, they had been molested and they had forgiven their parents and forgiven the babysitter, but they couldn't forgive their sister. Because while this was happening to them in the bathroom, similar to their story, their sister was watching TV. And as she said that, I had a very vivid memory of the moment that had happened to me in the middle of the night. And when I kind of rolled over, because I was scared that this person was on top of me, the first person I saw was my brother. Because he was sleeping on the bunk bed right across. And I thought, I don't want this person to hurt him. So I was just like quiet like a mouse. But it was the sibling connection. And it, like you, just flooded in. And I was like, I gotta share this.
And for a minute, personally,
I questioned whether or not it happened. And it was speaking. Was it a bad dream? Or was it a reality? Did I block it? Was it real?
Was it a bad dream?
Or was it a reality? Yes, but that voice, that knowing that flood of emotion made me like you say, I just have to say it out loud. And what happened when you said it out loud? Oh, I just collapsed, sobbing, same thing as you. Like so many people come up. I mean, it is such, unfortunately, a very common story. One in four women, one in six men have experienced something like that. But it's in either the denying that it's real and questioning it, or the shame that you feel around it as if somehow it's your fault. Or it somehow is damaging to you. And carrying that inside, which really is damaging. And so I think that it's an important, thank you first of all for sharing that story. Yeah, of course.
And I think speaking the things that you hate or are ashamed of is a form of acceptance. Because if you keep this stuff silent, if you're unwilling to talk about it, it's gonna continue to haunt you. And so you've been on this incredible journey of healing.
What has it taught you about greatness? You can't be great without having peace and without going on a healing journey. In my mind, you can accomplish a lot, you can achieve a lot, you can get a lot of awards and make a lot of money. But I feel like if you feel like you still aren't enough, then you're not great, I don't think.
I really don't think so. Because it's the enough,
the thing that you're chasing is outside of you. It is outside of you. And again, I was chasing them to feel better about myself, to feel like, okay, I matter and I have value. Because I didn't believe I had value. And I think once you believe you have value, Then you're creating from a space of love and win-win and service as opposed to I need to do this for me and look good and feel something up inside of me. You're doing it from a more healing journey place and then you're able to give more. You're able to create in a better place. So a lot of my life was doing things to prove people wrong that I felt abused, abandoned, made fun of by. It's like, well, let me go make, create, succeed to prove people wrong. So when I would lose, I was a bad loser because I was like, oh, I didn't prove them wrong. I lost, they were right. And so it was just a different energy of creation.
It's the second most powerful fuel is the fuel of anger and not enoughness. You can go nonstop for years trying to prove your enoughness from that state but it is exhausting energy, it's draining. It's like, you feel like, oh, what was the point of this? So many times I accomplished things in sports, biggest dreams, after 10 and 15 years of thinking about them, working hard and then accomplishing it and feeling like so angry after I accomplished it because I thought I would feel something different and I still didn't feel good enough. So I was like, I need to go create more and accomplish more and then I would do it. And I was like why am I still feeling alone inside. It's because I didn't have a good relationship with me internally. And once I started to shift that, I just feel such a good sense of peace And because I have a meaningful mission that is not about me, it's about others as well and so-
You talk about mission in this book.
A lot. And I think that's the foundation, is like getting clear on a meaningful mission that is not about-
How do you do that?
That is not about...
I mean it was a clear- I mean, you've got the framework in here, but I'm trying, I'm thinking Louis about the person.
But I'm trying- Yeah, it's a process. It depends on the season of your life. And again if you are trying to pay your bills, you can't think about a meaningful mission, you gotta think about protecting yourself safety and getting to a place of- and that's a meaningful mission, right? And that is a meaningful mission for this season, right? Okay. So when I was on my sister's couch, that's all I could think about was, like, how can I make enough money to get off the couch? Great. And so that was the mission for that season. But once you complete that, you've got to think about something bigger that includes others. And so I was still including others in that by adding value to people in order to get money from them, right. Essentially I'm gonna give you a service. I'm gonna help you and you're gonna pay me.
Right. So I'm helping them overcome a problem. And I was using my passion and my power to solve a problem. And that's what I started to do. And then I started to, once I overcame that mission or accomplished it, I was like, okay, now I can see a little bit further.
Now what do I wanna create?
Financial stability. And same thing happened with the School of Greatness.
So hold on, I just want to tell everybody. So Louis basically, in looking for a job, figured out how LinkedIn worked. And then realized, oh, whoa, I can teach other people how to use LinkedIn like a pro. And so he literally became wildly successful being an expert on monetizing and utilizing LinkedIn and one platform. And tell everybody how you came up with the School
for Greatness idea. Exactly, on one platform. So after, I don't know, four or five years of kind of teaching LinkedIn and then expanding it into just social media and marketing in general and courses and stuff like that, I realized, okay, I had enough money
for maybe two years to live.
Oh, that's pretty good, Louis. That's pretty Louis.
When you're broken poor, at least from my point of view.
That sounds like the holy grail. When you're broken poor, from my point of view, I didn't spend anything. I was like, I just need to stack everything cause I was in scarcity mode. So I wasn't like spending anything. So I had enough and I also didn't have a car. I was living in like apartment that was only $495 a month. I was like living in the lowest amount I could. I was like taking trains places, not like flying anywhere.
I was like, how can I say this is Louis the squirrel? Yes, I was trying to get nuts everywhere.
That's right. The squirrel. Yes. I was trying to get nuts. That's right. Put him in my back pocket. And once I realized, oh, I can actually like I'm surviving now. Right. I'm thriving, I'm surviving. I got out of this kind of like scarcity mentality. I was able to think beyond that. I was able to think beyond this need to just make money really quickly.
And I realized I didn't want this anymore. This season of life, I was like, I don't wanna do what I was doing in this business anymore. So I sold it to a business partner that I had. And I was like, okay, I've got about two years of cash if I don't make any money to survive. This is the exact moment when I got into the fight on the basketball court. I was going through a breakup and a relationship that I moved to LA for. And I was just having breakdowns in life. And so I was literally stuck in traffic in LA a little over 10 years ago. Tuesday, next week is my 10 year anniversary for my podcast. No way. Tuesday, next week. So a little over 10 years ago, it'll be 10 years and three months ago, I'm stuck in LA traffic.
All this stuff had just happened. And I'm just thinking to myself, man, I don't have it all figured out. I thought I did. I thought my ego knew it was right. Yeah. I thought I accomplished stuff and this and that and I was featured in the White House and all these other things. I was like, man, I should be the man, but I feel like a loser. And I was stuck in LA traffic. We were literally on the 405 and we were not moving. And all these people around me in cars stopped. We're screaming and honking and flipping each other. And I'm honking.
And I'm like, man, I'm stuck. We're stuck. Everyone's stuck. And I was just like, okay, huh? If people are stuck in traffic and they're taking them so long to get places, what if I could offer value and solve a problem for them to get unstuck? This was literally what I was going through. And I was like, I need the solution myself. And I just started hurting about podcasting. This was 2012. I just started to hear like whispers. You know, whisper, what is this thing, right? And I was like, I literally called two friends in the car.
It was a long drive, being stuck. I called two friends, I go, I know you have a podcast. I just saw you launch this thing. Pat Flynn and my friend Derek Halpern called them both. And I go, tell me about the podcasting thing. And they were like, I love it. It's the coolest thing ever. The audience I'm connecting, the building, the relationship, it's the best thing ever. I don't make any money, but it's the best thing ever. And I was like, okay, cool. And I was like, man, I think I could do this because I had started to just interview people for myself, recording it for me, business leaders and sports athletes and all these people for years leading up to that. That's how I got into the LinkedIn space.
I would network with people, I'd interview them. And I just was like, man, I've learned so much from these people which got me here in my business results. So let me take it a step farther. And they were both telling me, well, you should just make it about marketing and entrepreneurship because that's what you're doing. I was like, it just doesn't resonate with me. I feel like I'm supposed to do something more. They're like, well, don't go too broad because it probably won't work. Oh, you mean like greatness? Yeah. And I was like, and who are you? You're still just like getting started. You're like an internet marketer.
You don't have a big audience.
Like you can't go too broad. Who are they? You just beat somebody up on a basketball. I know, right.
Come on. I know, right. Like you're breaking down everywhere in your life. And I was just like, again, that voice kept saying like, I just feel like this is what I wanna step into though. And even if it fails, I'm gonna make it an experiment. I'm gonna do it for one year, one episode a week for a year and just see if I like it. So I discovered the mission by exploring something, by being curious and trying it. And I gave myself some parameters. I'm not gonna try to make money. Again, at that time, I had money for two years. Got it. Some people may not have that luxury when they're figuring this out in terms of making money.
You might have to make money really quickly.
If I needed to make money, I could have.
Got it. Well, you also don't have to go all in. Exactly. What I loved about what you said, did you hear what Louis said? Experiment. He gave himself permission to experiment with something for a year. Number two, he took the pressure off and said, I'm not going to make this experiment generate money. And so if you can, whether you're on the couch or you're working a job, if you can give yourself the grace of an experiment and take the pressure off of money, you now are walking in the footsteps of greatness here.
And so you set out on this experiment.
and you didn't know about how to do it.
You have two friends that you have two friends. I had an iPhone that I used to record in the beginning. I had no clue what I was doing. I was you know, I was trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do. I was just like trying stuff, and it's funny because my assistant listened to the first episode, like, the last week. She goes, I went back and listened to the first episode. But she goes your completely different person, and I'm like, because it was more about success, right? It was more about achievement and winning and like results.
I have to go back and listen. I was like, you, Louis, we might You have to pop in a little audio of Lewis introducing
Exactly and then after then I went to this workshop a few months later
Oh one where you
Opened up for the first one where you Open up about sexual abuse and all these things, and I actually this is so funny I actually learned the concept about no one wins. You don't win unless everyone wins around you Yeah, you know that was like what the concept didn't make sense to me as an athlete I was like, no, there was one winner. Everyone else must lose. Otherwise, you're the loser, right? That was kind of like the mentality that I was trained with. Right. It was the programming that I was conditioned to have. And this workshop taught me that you don't win unless everyone wins. You embody that, dude. And it's about, thank you, and it's about, it doesn't mean, you know, winning could look differently for everyone around you, but there must be like a win-win experience. Otherwise, your win doesn't mean as much. If others aren't improving and growing and succeeding in whatever it is they're doing as well, right?
It doesn't mean it has to be equal winning or something like that. And that's why I was like, yeah, that's right. This podcast can't be about like results. It should be about elevating others and about improvement and how we can all win together. And that's when it started to shift. And I started to like be a little softer and be less like, let's just get results, you know? And it was beautiful. So much that happened in that first year of the experiment where I started to like try something and it wasn't perfect the first hundred times. I just said, how can I make it better every time? How can I listen to the feedback and make it better every time? And how can I find my voice in this process? You know, even if I'm not comfortable sharing my voice, how do I find it by practicing it?
And after the first year, I remember being like, man, I just really loved this and enjoyed it. And so 10 years later, here we are. I still love it. I still enjoy it.
Wow. When you think back on literally probably thousands of people that you've interviewed, what's one interview that you reflect on the most?
I was going to say Kobe because he was my favorite interview. But when you said this, there was an interview the first year that I had with a guy named Chris Lee, who is the actual coach and trainer of the workshop I went to when I opened up for the first time. He had such a massive impact on me from that experience that I ended up hiring him as a coach for a couple of years just to like coach me personally. And I had him come on the show and I had him put me through.
Well, I guess he put me through it, but I asked him about like, I was single at the time. I go, how do you find the dream like partner? And he put me through a guided meditation where he had me close my eyes and he like walked me through a scenario and a scene of my future self. He said, I want you to imagine waking up next to this person. I want you to imagine what they look like, what they sound like. I want you to imagine what you when you open the windows where you are in the world, what your view is. I want you to imagine the feeling, the experience you're having with this person. And the reason I'm talking about that is because I said to myself during that, my eyes were closed. I was like, I don't know if this was weird enough, But I was like I wake up next to the woman of my dreams and when I open my eyes She looks at me and she's smiling at me every morning and I remember just saying that I don't know why that came to me But I was like she she looks at me. She's smiling at me because she's so grateful and happy that we're in this relationship together and Essentially eight years later. I'm in a relationship with a person that wakes up That literally opens her eyes and looks at me and smiles and this is no joke It happens every day. She looks at me.
She hugs me Some days she wakes up crying I'm not kidding because she's just a grateful human being not just because of like I'm in her life, but she's just a happy person and I dreamt of this and so for me that was a powerful powerful episode because I Had two other relationships for for her and after this conversation Those those things didn't happen and I realized that it only Happened the moment I started to fully heal a lot of the emotional things that I still wasn't ready to face in intimacy So I healed one element, but not all the other elements and it wasn't until I I'll Literally, there was a pain in my chest for still for years from other things Not the sexual abuse pain because I could talk about that freely and be peace But in other things that I still wasn't willing to face and it wasn't until I faced those things two years ago There was a pain in my chest for many years that would come and go it Disintegrated after about five months of intensive therapy integration healing it finally Disintegrated in my chest and I felt this ball of pain go throughout my body into like complete freedom And it hasn't come back since Wow, it took five months of intense reflection exercises Practicing of healing the nervous system to where that went away
That is literally a month or two later. I met her Wow, and it's been a game-changer ever since have you talked publicly about what that thing
Was that you face? I just started. I haven't really talked about it publicly. I just started kind of telling people that Because I don't know if other people feel a pain in their chest I don't know if if you've ever felt like a ball that's kind of like this not palpitations, but just kind of a nagging pain
I think people feel that I feel it more kind of like right above the stomach Yeah, that's sort of where my and I know when it's coming cuz it hits the ankles first and then this clinches Yeah, yeah, like wobbly legs or something. No like I feel literally the true when I get triggered I literally feel it's just start and it comes to your stomach. Yeah, but I think you want to know why it's because
That's how the person approached Wow. Yes, let's just start and it comes down Yeah, I cuz it was used to be the throat and the chest for me just like I couldn't speak And there was like a pain here and I was like, it wasn't like I felt like I was having a heart attack or anything like that, but it's just like a nagging pain. It would come and go and I couldn't figure out how to get rid of it or how to eliminate it. And it just, I went to five months of intensive every week therapy, sometimes five, six hours on Saturdays, where I was just like, I'm a maniac on a mission to create peace, clarity and freedom. The first day I stepped into therapy with my coach, I call her an emotional coach because I think we should all have one. She said, what's your intention for starting this process? I said, I want peace, clarity and freedom
because I didn't feel like I had any of those. Can I take a guess at what your biggest block was? It was an inability to even allow love in.
Is that what it was? I don't know if that's what it was, maybe,
but it was my inability to not abandon myself. What does that mean for somebody
who's never heard that term? So it was my inability to not abandon myself in intimacy with one person, the person that I was choosing to be in a committed relationship with. Because I wanted to abandon myself in other areas.
I would stand up for those like, no, I'm not gonna do that.
Oh, for you like a nice guy doormat type in relationships? I was more trying to buy peace. So whenever my relationship, what relationships in the past would try to, it would be upset at me. You didn't do this. I'm sorry, okay, I'll go do it now. Whenever there was disturbance emotionally with the environment or they were screaming at me or they were cold shoulder or they wouldn't speak to me, I was like, I don't like this feeling. And so I didn't know how to navigate my inner world when that would happen. I didn't know how to be peaceful under chaos emotionally. So I would do things to buy peace.
I would say, okay, I'll stop doing this.
Yeah, yes, you went through. Even though I don't want to stop doing something, I'll stop doing it to make you feel comfortable. Okay, I'll give in here. Okay, I'll come home five hours early. Okay, I won't go on that trip
because you don't feel comfortable with me going alone.
Yeah, see, I don't think people understand how much men struggle with this. That, no, I mean it, like this is why I said, you remind me a tremendous amount in ways of Chris. Same thing, like just would shut down or give in or give in and not capable of expressing what he needed
because his experience as a kid was it didn't matter anyway. Or give in or give in. Exactly, and a lot of times, in general, a lot of men were never trained on how to navigate uncomfortable emotions through their highest selves. They would navigate it through their ego self, which is defend, protect, and show that everything's okay. And that works in some cases, but not in every case. And I think I didn't have the tools, the training, the knowledge, the experience, the wisdom on how to navigate stressful emotions in love, in an intimate, loving relationship. I could do it in business, in sports, and other things. What was it modeled for you when you're little? Yeah, it was a constant low-level stress and like resentment from my parents of each other, which made me always like, ah, what's gonna happen, right? And they loved me, and I knew they loved me, but I knew they also didn't love each other. And so that was stressful. And so I didn't know how to be with a woman who was like, you can't do this.
Screaming at me, don't do this. I don't like when you do this. This is not okay, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Because what they are saying is you're not enough. And I don't accept you for who you are, Louis. So I didn't accept myself for who I was, I knew I wasn't enough, that's how I thought, so I said I'm gonna do what's gonna make her feel like I'm enough for her. And after a year, two years, three years of doing that and just giving in and giving in and giving in, you fully lose yourself. Yes. You lose all your, you lose who you are. Then you get resentful, you get frustrated, you get angry. So I lacked the emotional ability to say no. And if you don't love me and accept me and you want to walk away, that's okay.
And I lack the emotional ability to just be okay with me walking away from something as well. And that's
why when I met Martha, which you've met her a couple of times now. She smiles at you all the time. I had a fully different experience. Because you were
different. Because I was completely different. And I just told her like straight up, I was like, this is my values. This is who I am. And I'm never gonna abandon myself for anyone. You, this, that doesn't matter. Like I'm just never gonna abandon myself. That doesn't mean I'm not going to be a flexible human being and supportive in all these other ways. But I'm not gonna give up who I am
to please one human being. Because they're not happy with me. Dude, if you could sum up the greatness mindset, I think you just did. There is this quote that goes viral all the time. I have no idea who said it first. But it's that thing that when you put all your energy into trying to keep the peace with others, you create a war inside yourself. And that is just what you describe. That tension in your chest and so many of you listening listen with it. Or that pit in your stomach is the war that Lewis just described with yourself. Because you're so much more focused and concerned with keeping the peace. Making sure everybody else is okay. And until you invert that and you focus on creating peace within
yourself, that's it right there. And this is the moment when it unlocks. I remember now exactly what happens when this the pain went away. Because I was working on because I didn't feel free. Right. And so for five months of therapy going and every week I was committed. I was like I'm gonna figure this out and
I'll go as long as it takes. You're like a truffle pig for healing. Let's go root that thing out right there. I'm doing it man. I'm not gonna
stop until I feel I love that. I'm proud of you, healing. He's gotta root that thing out right there. I'm doing it man! I'm not gonna. I love that. I'm proud of you! And healing is a journey. It's not an event that happens overnight. There's an unlocking. There's an awareness moments, but then you've got to then PTSD occurs if you don't keep integrating it. So it's a constant.
So what was that moment? So the moment was many, because every time I would meet my coach,
she'd say, what's your intention? Peace, clarity, freedom. I didn't feel them. So what was that
moment? And so we were talking about which each one is, when do you do not feel peace? When do you know if you'll clear freedom? I was like, I've never felt free in my life. And a lot of it came down to modeling parents, they weren't free in their relationship. They both were resentful of being in the relationship. They both got married when they're 19. They didn't know any better. They had four kids, they were working their butts off, just staying together. So I don't blame them, but they stay together, not because they wanted to because they didn't know how to, how to navigate it as well. And so I saw them trapped. That was what it was for me.
I saw them trapped, and I was afraid to be trapped. Because I didn't want to repeat the feeling of them being trapped, and feeling miserable a lot of the time. And I was like, I don't want to create that in my life. But I didn't know how to stand up for myself. So that was the thing. And she just kept looking at me. It was kind of like a Goodwill hunting moment. She was like, you're not trapped. I'm trapped. You're not trapped. You're not trapped. You're a free man.
You're a free man. You're a free man. And I don't know what. It was just like all the months of like the practicing, the integrating, the opening of back up, where it just kind of like there's like Rush is like, finally connected to me that I am a free man, that I am not trapped. She was like, you can walk away at any moment. You can walk away at any moment. You don't have to keep working in this relationship. like especially since you're not married you don't have to walk you can walk
away at any moment but even if you are
married you can walk away and that was the thing I was like... I'm so afraid to get married cuz I don't wanna have the shame of getting divorced or the pain that caught that that happens after
divorce that so many people go through It's so interesting you're so focused on not feeling trapped that you actually
trapped yourself. 100% 100% and it's so funny because I went to a prison almost almost every week for four and a half years, and I watch men who were trapped behind bars. Some of them were emotionally free. Some of them were there, but I saw them three men, like they were in a state of complete peace not all of them but some of them had so much love in their hearts were very kind and generous they their families around, and they were free emotionally, but they just did something that put them in there physically. And I realized for so long that I was trapped emotionally, but physically and I didn't know how to break free. And that was the thing where I was like I'm just sick and tired of feeling this pain. I'm sick and tired of repeating the pattern where I'm the common denominator in all these relationships. Choosing them, staying in them and not standing up for myself. So that was a massive game changer for me was investing in emotional coaching, showing up consistently when I didn't want to and doing the work. And I think a lot of us will get business coaches, career coaches, health coaches, but the emotional game is the game that most of us don't know what a master and yet we we won't invest in coaching or find support and I just think it's so crucial.
Well you're right at the very end of your fantastic book The Greatness Mindset. You're talking about unlock the power of your mind and live your best
life today. You have a huge section in this on healing. A whole section is
healing. I feel like you cannot be great. Huge section. I feel like it's not even unlock the power of your mind. It's literally unlock the power of your mind, body, and spirit. Well you know everything's a Trojan horse. Nobody's gonna pick up the healing book so they're like I'm gonna buy the mindset book. But guys if people understood the art of falling in love with yourself, the world would be a much better place. Lewis, the world is a much better place because you're in it. Thank you Mel. And I wanted to ask you. You're gonna make me read one more thing.
I am not gonna make you read one more thing especially now that I know. I am happy to read. That was a trigger for you. No I'm happy to give it to me. You did fantastic. So first of all everybody please go get the book. I'm not done asking Lewis questions but please please please support the man that has supported all of our greatness for the last ten years. You will love this and it's the greatness mindset and so I wanted to close by just saying I want you to imagine that it's your last day on earth and you can only leave the world with three truths, three lessons that you want to impart on the world. What are they Lewis?
You are loved, you are worthy and you matter. Again if we understood that and
embodied it and truly believed it then life is just a much better place. And what
is your definition of greatness? For me it's going on a journey to discover your unique gifts and talents and in that discovery figuring out what your dreams are and on the path of going after your dreams making the maximum impact on the
people around you. For me that's greatness. Wow and you embody it that's sure. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you appreciate you. Oh man, well and you know before I go I just want to make sure that you hear Lewis and I tell you something which is in case nobody else in your life tells you this today I want to tell you that I love you and I know Lewis you
probably want to say the same thing. You're welcome. Thank you, âpreciate
you. 100% yeah I love you. And I believe in you and your ability to take absolutely everything you heard today from Lewis and put it into practice in your own life and not only develop the greatness mindset but to go heal and to learn how to fall in love with yourself and use that transformation to
change the world around you. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links and if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on Apple
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better and if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter and if no one has told you today I want to remind you that you are loved you are worthy and you matter and now it's time to go out there and do something great.